Holiday Family Traditions

I was talking to someone about Christmas trees at the beginning of December. And I realized why I prefer our fake Christmas tree. You know, besides the fact that Mr. Bookworm and I would miss the deadline for trash pick-up for our real trees once the season is over. Not that we’ve had one until March. Ever.

What I remember about our Christmas tree when I was growing up is my sisters and I lining up all the branches my size. And then each of us assisting my dad in putting the branches in the right order. It’s silly, but that’s how I remember it, and that’s how the four of us do it every year too. Though our current tree has color bands on the end and Mr. Bookworm always makes us pack it away in order so that it’s ready for the next year.

We put up our tree a few weeks. Mostly them because I was still getting ready. And in true Bookworm Family fashion, we only put up the tree and lights. The ornaments went up a week later.

That’s how we roll every year.

When I was little, my mom would get a few new Hallmark ornaments every year. Our ornaments were handmade school projects and a mish-mash of gathered ornaments from years past, and I loved our tree very much. We even had mismatched blue-green tinsel that we would wrap around it, and a handmade large ‘Chengs’ stocking that someone made my parents in the 70s.

Our Bookworm family tree is similar. For Mini Me’s first Christmas, I asked for special ornaments for her. My twin made her a felt Mini Me dressed as a chicken, which was one of her Halloween costumes that year. And every year since, we’ve gathered special ornaments to add to our collection. Our newest ornaments are Hogwarts houses ones from our trip to Universal Studios in Florida last month.

Grieving Through the Holidays

And, as I’ve written before, I also have a tradition of perusing the holiday aisles at Target. Usually this involves a tiny bit of PTSD and grief as I debate whether I need to get more supplies to decorate the cemetery. This year, I made three separate trips to the Target holiday section (and once to Michaels), the final one with Mr. Bookworm. We bought our Macy special tiny ornaments to go on her second gold tree. Last year, one of the gold trees stayed at our house with the Sorting Hat stocking that I made. This year, I still have to dig up Macy’s original lavender-colored tree with Hello Kitty ornaments. I love having a special tree just for her, just to remind me what I’m grateful for.

I’m not grateful that my child died. I’m grateful that I have such a great support network that helped me through that time, and still is supportive in my grief 10-11 years later. You don’t forget the hardest time of your life, and you don’t forget your children who have passed away just because you have other kids.

The little lavender tree reminds me that I’m grateful for Mini Me and LIttle Lion, along with their health, their creativity, and, yes, even along with their sass and arguments.

And I’m also a teeny bit grateful to have some knowledge of how to support others through similar grief pathways.

The holidays can be bittersweet.

I’m grateful that this year (unlike the year that Macy died) I feel okay celebrating. And I’m lighting a candle today for those who have empty arms this year, that they’ll have the support I had when I needed it most.

xo

Macy’s Gold Tree

With new animal ornaments