My Own Ten Year Challenge
My Own Ten Year Challenge
If I posted pictures of me compared to ten years ago, I may not look younger or more fit, but I am just as content.
Content is a mild word, but only because today is the day that my middle child would be turning ten years old. As I looked back on the pictures of her birth (and death), I also looked at pictures of myself during that pregnancy. I’m huge because of the 7 1/2 liters of amniotic fluid, a common occurrence with pregnancies with trisomy babies. And, like now, I’m also surrounded by family.
That’s what I noticed and remember the most–how much my family supported and loved me in big and little ways. As they still do now.
While my husband and I still have no regrets about our decisions during Macy’s pregnancy, I still wonder at my own shock at my grief. That’s what surprised me the most, and, I think, it’s the way my brain was protecting itself.
I grieved for Macy when I was pregnant with her. I knew she was going to die. So why was it so hard in the aftermath?
It’s funny the way grief hits you, how January always is a tough month for us. We are happy, we are together, and I love my family of four so much. But it doesn’t change the fact that we should be five.
I love you my little Macy Button. Happy 10th birthday, my Squirt!
We still take the time to CELEBRATE Macy’s short life on her birthday. We bring flowers and balloons to the cemetery and we have either a birthday cake or cupcakes. And we always take her birthday off from school and work. Over the years, we’ve gone to Disneyland, Legoland, and Universal Studios. But lately we’ve circled back to our happy place in Mission Bay, where we went to during my pregnancy with Macy and also after her birth/death, and our first Christmas after she died. We have many happy memories here with Mini Me as a toddler, and we continue to make happy memories here as a family together. It’s a peaceful, bittersweet sort of happiness, but I’m grateful for the time to indulge, to remember, to grieve, and to relax. This is how we take care of me, and how we take care of each other.
