Rainbow Teen

We officially have a rainbow teen. Not a rainbow baby, not a rainbow child, but a rainbow TEEN. That also means that my Macy Button is 14 years old, and my Little Lion has just turned 13.

It took me a long time before I found out that the term rainbow baby was meant to signify the rainbow after the storm. But was Macy a storm?

I don’t think so.

I recently saw a post about pregnancy after loss (PAL). This post in particular spoke about the different feelings they encountered during their PAL: numbness, reluctant joy, and everything in between.

My first response was that I didn’t feel numb when I was pregnant with Little Lion. But is that true?

Not really. Because, honestly, what I remember most 13-14 years later is how I didn’t really believe that I would be taking Little Lion home with me. Despite the nausea, despite the appointments with Dr. Lee, despite the ultrasounds and stress tests, I didn’t believe it was real.

Of course that denial was me protecting my heart. Was I numb? Likely. Was I reluctantly joyful about my pregnancy, about how quickly we were able to get pregnant right at the six month mark? Six months was the minimum my doctor gave me to get pregnant again to let my body recover from my second c-section. But had my heart and mind recovered?

Yes and no.

I know that some people have trouble bonding with their PAL babies. Not that they don’t want to—they maybe just are protecting their hearts too. But for us, for ME, Little Lion brought nothing but joy.

So, yes, Little Lion is my Rainbow Teen now. And Little Lion is still bringing me joy. That’s what my rainbow means to me—bringing back color into our lives.

Happy birthday, Little Lion. You are my heart and my JOY.