Waves of Grief
They say that grief comes in waves and I can understand that metaphor. This month is January, typically the hardest month of the year for me as it is when Macy was born and when she died.
This year—this year I’m feeling okay. In fact, there are many days, weeks, months when I feel okay. And I thought about it—shouldn’t I be sad right now?
No. I shouldn’t have to feel any which I that I don’t feel. I should feel whatever it is. Right now I’m feeling acceptance.
And then, and then, something shifts, changes. Like yesterday when I read about Chrissy Tiegen and John Legend welcoming their rainbow baby and I was full of tears. Happy tears, yes, but also painful tugs in my heart as I read (again) about what they went through. I do admire Chrissy for being so public and open about her experience as it likely was a way for her to process her own grief, but also opened so many doors for other people to be open in their own grieving process.
I don’t know how I’ll feel on Macy’s birthday next week. I don’t know how I’ll feel in the next hour or the next year. But the wanting never goes away. I still wish we could celebrate Macy’s 14th birthday with her. We will celebrate in our own way, as we do every year—taking some time off, having a cake and birthday wishes. And remembering to be kind to myself and my trio in however we are feeling about our loss.
Happy Birthday, sweet Macy. You are always, always in our hearts.
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