For Macy

We all carry our own demons. I think often of that title of the short story, The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien, and I think how profound that title is significant especially to that story but also to every story. What are the things I carry? It’s an amalgam of treasured childhood moments, intimidating med school and residency moments, and an awful lot of both regrets and happiness that involve each of my kids, including, of course, my Macy though she passed away.

Instagram people are posting their progress through the last decade just like people had a ten year challenge last year. While it is fun to see all the changes, I hate to think about where I was 10 years ago. But at the same time I like to think how far I’ve come as well.

Here is our version of the decade challenge. October 2009 versus November 2019. All four of us are pictured AND Macy is still missing. I just told my husband that last January was far worse than this January so far. I felt numb that month. And I allow myself to do that every January.

I don’t feel that way this time.

This time I feel at peace. I feel organized, even in my messy house. I feel like I’m in creative mode, hoping to create something this month with some significance. (And not just finishing up Little Lion’s quidditch robes that I was too busy to fully finish for Christmas. But I need to get that done too.)

New Year’s resolutions are tough. Maybe mine will be to be kinder to myself and kinder to my family. Of course I’m kind to my girls. But I’m not always as patient as I’d like to be.

One of the writers I love, Jenny Han, posted in her instagram page that her 2020 resolution is to be GRATEFUL. I think that’s a good buzz word for the year and a fantastic resolution. I’m grateful for all the big and little things in my life.

But in actuality, we had a family dinner conversation and I was discussing the buzzword MINDFULNESS as a word for me this year. Why? Because even though it feels overused, I read or heard somewhere earlier this month that MINDFULNESS involves being fully present in the moment. And that’s my goal for this year—to be fully mindful and present as much as possible. This includes when Little Lion is reading to me, or when I’m reading to her. And when she’s telling me a long-winded story. And they’re are ALL long-winded. But they are also creative and fun and completely unique to her. And I intend to enjoy every moment of this year.

xo

{Side note: The card in the featured photo is from the calendar that we made for Macy several years ago, inspired by an advent calendar. You can read more about it here and here.

We will be celebrating Macy’s short life at one of our favorite places this weekend. It’s a place full of peace and full of joy, and also grief as it is where we grieved for Macy a lot in the year after she died. But it also originated as a place of happiness for our family, stemming from when Mini Me was a toddler.}